Letting Go and Moving Forward

A big deep breath and a step forward... I am ready to begin what I am know will be the hardest and most rewarding journey in my life. Change is never easy and committing to sharing my struggles and successes with the world makes it even harder. It is something that I have debated about sharing with everyone numerous times, to the point it has kept me up at night thinking about it. I ultimately decided that it would be a great source of motivation, because struggling to succeed is not as embarrassing as giving up to failure. Failure is not an option, therefore, neither is giving up. I am ready to make the change and what I hope feels like the next step for a better life. 

Since I was little I can remember being self conscious about my weight. I can't remember a time when  I didn't compare the way I looked to others my age. I started dancing at 3 years old and was a major part of my life. I would spend hours dancing around our family room. I was always an active child and I think that helped keep my weight in check, since I wasn't ever overweight as a child. I just was never a skinny child, I hope you understand what I meant. Not to mention I hit my growth sport early and was taller than majority of my classmates. Doesn't exactly help with a child's self esteem. 

Throughout school I was bullied and tormented about my weight and another major insecurity. I was born with a birth defect called Duane Syndrome, basically there is a lack of communication between my left eye muscle and the back of my brain that controls movement. As a result my left eye has problems turning to the side. {More info can be found here} I was called names from cross-eyed cow, lazy eyes, and some other just really cruel names. Childhood can be tough and words hurt more than stones, that childhood rhyme lied. I have held onto those memories for far too long. I have never told anyone how others treated me. I didn't ever want to give them power over me. Yet, by holding it in it gave them power over who I believed I am for all these years. I will make the promise to myself that I will never think of those names again. 

As I entered the teenage years and worst high school I became more self conscious. My sophomore year was without a doubt the best year I can remember. I was in the best shape of my life, thanks to cheerleading. I had great friends and not to mention I met my husband. I, for the most part, had found self esteem and felt like I actually fit in with the rest of society. I was genuinely happy. I can honestly say this was the year that I came to terms with my eye issue and decided it could only bother me if I let it. I turned it into something I could do that no one else could and I just didn't let other's comments get to me. This was a major event for me and shows me that I can let go. I am a person just like everyone else. No one is better than me we are all equal. We all have different struggles and trials in our life. Its how we deal and learn from them that makes us special. 

My junior year was when things started to go back down hill. I didn't feel like I fit in on the cheer squad anymore and those responsibilities kept me from my real friends and they formed their own groups. I started to feel alone again. My senior year I found an out, going to college instead of high school. I spent 50% or more of my senior year pursing my paralegal and the part in high school I spent with the debate team and finishing up the last of my required classes for graduation. This year I gained a lot of weight in part due to a stop of my active lifestyle and what I later found out to be partly because of a medical condition. I loved going to college I felt like an adult and like I finally fit in somewhere. I wasn't judged by those in my class and just was able to be me. When high school graduation came I wanted absolutely nothing to do with the graduation party. I downright refused to go, I didn't feel like I belonged there. That wasn't my class. I was the outcast. The combined efforts of my mom and Jeff forced me to go. I hung out with some of my old friends and actually ended up having a great time. The summer after high school I spent working and spending time with old friends. I couldn't wait for college, because I saw it as a fresh start and an escape from my current reality. 

My first year of college I didn't really get involved, in part because I didn't want to risk putting myself out there, and I just went to class and work. My relationship with Jeff grew and that's what I focused on. I did end up seeing medical help in regards to my weight and was diagnosed with PCOS, you can find info here, and hypothyroidism, more info here. Both helped to contribute to my weight gain and make it harder to lose weight as a result. I became discouraged and helpless. I thought the world had conspired against me to make my life as hard as possible. I became depressed and lost. I didn't want to focus on school anymore and my life long dream of become a lawyer got pushed aside. I started looking for an easier route and a less risky path I changed my major a couple times as a result, which put me further behind and extended my time in college.

For the past year I have continued to struggle with my weight and have been working on realizing how being depressed and holding onto the past is only inhibiting my dreams and giving up on myself. I have come back to my original major and to my dreams of going to law school. I have decided to focus on the positive things in my life and improve on the negative. I am determined to lose weight and shed it from my insecurities. I am going to work with my doctors to make sure I do this in a healthy way and make sure that I am taking my medication regularly. I am so blessed to have people around me who are willing to support me and help me through this journey. My husband is my best support and I am so thankful for accepting me for me no matter how I look on the outside. I am ready to let go of the past and welcome the new me. I am going to post my struggles, my goals, and my accomplishments through the blog. You can follow my journey through the weight loss tab above. You will never see me look like that girl again. I am going to find a more confident and happy version one that feels beautiful on the inside and outside. I want to be proud of the person I see in the mirror every day rather than avoid the mirrors all together.